I’ve been putting off writing for awhile. Because i know where it gets me. It makes me acknowledge feelings that are there. A sensation that i wanted to feel, until now.

I want to run away from my feelings as far as possible. And no, I don’t want you to chase me either. I just want to be totally okay with whatever happens to me.

But, I know I’m not okay with being a wife just yet. And alam ko ang sasabihin mo, “Wala pa naman eh. Pinapangunahan mo.”
Pero alam ko na may pahiwatig na. And this time, it’s not just from you (i.e. if I’m reading the signs right). But from the Higher Being Himself. What happens when everything you don’t want to happen is all God is asking for?

This question made me realize na, “Oo nga noh? I dont want to be a wife. I don’t want to settle down just yet. I have my dreams. I want to work in the UN. I want to do all of these beautiful, grand things.” And yes, being a wife, raising kids are grand on its own. But it is not my dream. At least for now.

Say it is a spiritual oppression or a demonic attack. But, I do recognize me. And I know what most want is not what i want. At least not just now.

But, a part of me secretly don’t want to lose you. If you are, indeed, mine to keep. But I guess i have been accustomed to losing people along the way. Hindi na kaya ng puso kong madurog ulit, mamatay ulit.

Araw araw na hindi ko mapagtanto kung paano ko nadaanan ang mga iyon. Hindi ko alam kung para saan pa. Why would I want to try ever again. If there is even a slight possibility that it’ll hurt all over again.

Who would want to get hurt? Let alone, experience the same trauma all over again.

I am more careful now. Maybe up to a fault.
But at least here. I am safe. At least here, there is no pain. There is no disappointment. There can only be regret. At least, only regret. At least I wanted to be here, to stay here for now.

And if our feet don’t bring us back to each other again, at least, I can say that you were part of my revival. I was able to know her and acknowledge what she truly wanted from this life- from this season.

I was able to recognize myself and I think that is a gift in itself.