It’s hard for strong and independent women to admit that things affect them
We are experts at detachment,
Act like nothing really gets to us
Act like nothing really matters that much
Because the world can be too much sometimes
And it’s easier to let things go to keep one’s sanity

But there are things that really stick
Things that matter hit the heart
Thoughts worth listening to resound
And letting go is not as easy as before

Your actions have affected me- this I admit now
Not to the point of no return.
But to the point of disruption- just enough disruption
My normal routine has shifted.
My priorities rearranged.
Things i did not have to think twice before, now live in my head rent free.
Consideration and reconsideration.
Thinking once, then thinking again.
Are we really a sure thing?

Here I go again thinking
Even to the point of overthinking
How can I stop?
How can I put an end to this?
Is it me who’s tormenting my own self?
Or is there something that you’d actually want to tell me?
Please tell me
Please do me the favor of hushing these voices
That may or may not be truthful

In the uncertain middle ground
I find my heart hoping for greener pasture
For a better tomorrow
Somehow, I know that my God is doing something in between
Somehow, I know that God is going to use this
And that what follows is a good thing
Because He is a good God

And I know not even our failures can stop it
Not even our own stubbornness
Not even our own preferences
Not even our opposing perspectives
Nor our massive, wide array of differences
Can hinder His goodness to reign over our lives
Apart or together

Apart or together
I won’t regret this
I won’t regret that my heart began to beat for you

Apart or together
You are special to me
As you are special to Him
Beloved and greatly appreciated
An agent of the kingdom
With a big heart for people

With a big heart that once beat for me
Expressed even just through glimpses
Through stares, through cryptic posts
Even through such
Even amidst my questions- the borderline uncertainty
I know what I felt
I felt His never ending love and admiration for me
An endless, free flowing embrace, stating
“I’m here. I will wait for you. Until you’re ready”

And the words that haven’t caught up with your actions
Much appreciated but never demanded-
I will listen when you’re ready
If you’ll ever be ready
If you still want me

I know I am not that blameless
And maybe it was me who wasn’t ready to receive you
But, it was you who became the right disruption
Awakening my heart of stone to a heart of flesh
An agent of the kingdom, indeed
I am grateful.

‘Til then,
‘Til the right time when God would align the stars for us
‘Til it can all be clear for the both of us
‘Til we can be a hundred percent sure,
I want you to know that we can always be friends
Loving from afar and at a distance
But never forgotten
Never not kept

‘Til then, my friend.