I was halfway done with my classes on a Saturday when I felt uneasy. There was something about the professor’s relaying of academic requirements that told me this overall journey wasn’t gonna be easy. I felt the weight of future loads like everything was due tomorrow and I fret about the direction of the next three or so years.

Going a few years back, I had my heart severely broken. The specifics of it are quite messy and they somehow led to a serious dysfunction in my relationship with God. I used to ask Him,”Lord, You’ve called for this. This was Your decision. This was Your working. Why did this happen?” I used to go all night at God. Sometimes screaming. Sometimes crying. Sometimes questioning. And usually, all of the above at the same time. I used to think that when God calls me for something, it’s all up to Him- that I should not take any form of responsibility.

I had my heart broken because I had issues I wasn’t ready and willing to face. God had to dangle what I prayed for right in front of me to show me where it was possible to trip over and how that was a bigger problem later on. All the more, I didn’t take responsibility over what I was feeling; I wasn’t owning up to my emotions. I wasn’t living.

Fast forward, I guess I had an uneasy feeling during that one Saturday because I know I have to commit. And a part of committing is owning up to one’s decisions (in this case, enrolling). As weird as it may seem, the past and the present have offered parallel scenarios that give me the choice between flight or fight. Should I grow up or should I remain as a child? Should I choose to love and commit like He does or should I take the easy way out?

I guess you could say that studying is like falling in love (at least in this case). You have to put in the effort and the work for it to truly pay off. You have to be willing to sacrifice. You have to be willing to shed blood, sweat, and tears. And considering my case, I guess the most important thing is owning up to how he (or the person you’re in love with) makes you feel. For these are your emotions. These are your inclinations. This is your life.

It is my prayer that I wouldn’t give up on my studies as I once gave up on that love years ago. It is my prayer that God would once again do His thing and I would see the value behind any future suffering. That I would anticipate His move rather than form any of my own conclusions and operate through my broken lenses. That I would trust and put my full weight on His Word- even on areas that hurt, that makes me flinch when touched.

God is giving me a second chance. In a world where it’s so easy to give up and back out, there’s a little nudge in my heart that tells me to hold on. Right now, it just seems that I’m not only working to get that degree. But to also overcome for redemption.