Here in the not-know, I find myself tossing and turning. The feeling of unease worsens and I am left wondering about those unwanted what-ifs.

What if I don’t pass? What if I don’t get in? What will be of my life then?

Here in the not-know, I try to rely on my knowledge and skill. I try to rely on my own works, on my qualifications. But I know these still don’t guarantee anything.

I’m still left scared. I’m still left frazzled. I still find myself craving for any form of relief from the torment anxiety brings.

As I analyze and solve problems, I long for peace- peace only You give.

Here in the not know, when I finally released tension through tears- right then, You speak. And there it was again, “trust Me”.

Here in the not-know, I find myself ministering to me: Everything will be okay. Everything will turn out just fine. Rest in God’s promises.

And then, I realize that sometimes, we are so caught up in our own plans, our own diskarte that we forget to factor in God in the process. Sometimes, we cannot trust God because we’re so invested on our own will for our lives.

But, what if you’re not meant for that job? What if it’s not for you right now? What if God has different plans?

And in these what ifs, I find myself somewhat comforted. Training can only get one so far, but if it’s not meant to be, God has His way of redirecting me. Even if I initially get what I want.

So, what should I do now?

Here in the not-know, I choose to rest in Your promises, while keeping an open mind on how You’re gonna prove Yourself faithful yet again.

Here in the not-know, I should be willing to let go of dreams. Some of which are my own. Some of which I envisioned You to want. But one thing is for sure, I have to let go of control.

Here in the not-know, I choose to put my full weight on Who You are and not what You can give me. At the end of the day, when all has been said and done, You alone are who matters. It is You I should please. It is You who I should trust.

Here in the not-know, although I know that it’s a partnership, I will consider Your Word as the final say. Lord, I’ve extended myself and did everything I can. I know You’re gonna fill in the gaps. I know You’re gonna meet me where I’m at.

Here in the not-know, I find myself revisiting old issues in new circumstances. I find myself again with You in overcoming them.

Lord, here I am once again in the not-know. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that You’ll never let go.