Today, I had to face parts of me I knew I was repressing. Parts of me I thought were long gone, but as it turns out, have only been neglected and not addressed.

There is a cognitive dissonance brought about by this. I am not myself when I do not love God. Yet, it feels like I am not being completely true to myself that I am the way I am, either.

Kind of complex when you think about it. Yet, all true followers of Jesus have introspected like this at one point in time.

With an open mind and a seeking heart, I ask God on how it is actually possible to live like this. There is duality in me. I am multi-faceted by nature. I am a walking paradox.

How am I supposed to walk in my calling like this?

The fact that I am still in a state of purification hits me hard. I am still not perfect. And God is still working in me.

How do I go from here? You might ask.

A part of me wants to embrace the imperfection in me because that’s what feels natural. Because I am naturally accepting, even of myself. And I want to love myself this way.

This– only to have Him look at me like He does. With more love than I can ever give myself. I am not supposed to stay like this forever. Because love liberates. And it is truth. Love resides in truth.

It’s not in me to invalidate myself or the way I feel. It’s just a decision to choose to love Him more than I love myself. To keep on choosing Him. To make this firm decision.

–To acknowledge that there is something wrong in us, yet acknowledge that there is this God who still loves us inspite of. And this love– this love does not leave you where you are, but stewards you towards where you need to be– towards your truest self. Called to be a people of His own possession, spotless and blameless before Him. Called to live in light and love.

It feels weird to finally acknowledge my imperfection. Yet, in the midst of it all, I’ve found that this God still loves. This God still loves me so.